Why "No Expectations" Creates More Conflict (And What Actually Works)

Two hours left in the evening.

I still wanted to start reading that book that arrived in the mailbox this morning. Maybe continue that online course on the right hemisphere. Definitely do a 30-minute physical session. Topping off with some internal practice would be good too.

The clock is ticking.

My partner has no idea about any of my internal expectations. I've learned not to communicate them because they have led to conflict before.

"Be pro-active this time," I tell myself. "Have no expectations tonight."

No expectations. Let the evening unfold however it wants to unfold.

One hour later: conflict anyway.

After many trials, I realized something about this "no expectations" approach isn't working.

The Unconscious Doesn't Seem to Hear "No"

Here's what I think happens in that subtle, nonphysical space where intent resides:

When I tell myself "no expectations tonight," my unconscious seems to pick up "expectations tonight."

The negation doesn't seem to get processed. The content is.

It's like telling someone the good old "don't think of a pink elephant." What does your imagination sketch immediately?

So when I say "no expectations," my attention is still flowing toward... expectations.

My partner must sense this. I'm sure we have receptors for this that go beyond our 5 senses framework.

"Be Here Now"

What changed things some nights ago was switching the language of intent.

This is all happening internally. Imagine your thoughts as physical forms expanding outward - that's what I'm pointing to.

Instead of "no expectations tonight," I started using "be here in the moment" or "be here now."

Different energetic arrangement entirely.

"Be here eating." "Be here cooking." "Be here in conversation."

When my unconscious, my bodymind coherence - whatever you want to call the 'receiver' - hears "be here now," it seems to know what to do with that instruction.

It can organize itself around presence instead of organizing around the absence of expectation.

Pointing Forward vs. Pointing Where You Are

Unconscious doesn't seem to speak in negatives.

"Don't be nervous" becomes "be nervous." "Don't think about work" becomes "think about work." "No expectations" becomes "expectations."

Pointing forward.

But "be present" becomes "be present."

Pointing where you are.

The language with which you design the instructions you give your unconscious shapes where your energy flows. Where your energy flows shapes what opens or closes as possibilities in the field between you and everyone else.

Next time you become aware of yourself trying to not want something, try wanting what you do want instead.

Enjoy re-iterating your intent: what does your unconscious hear when you speak to it?

IN SEARCH OF...

Paul Watzlawick on Right-Hemispheric Language Patterns: "Any instruction is much more effective when given in positive language, that is free from negation. "Remember to mail this letter" is bound to be remembered much more reliably, especially by a child, than "Don't forget to mail this letter.'"

Wittgenstein pointing to his Language Games: "A picture kept us captive. And we could not get outside of it, For it lay in our language And language seemed to repeat it to us inexorably."

What could Rumi have refined here? "Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense. The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don't go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want. Don't go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don't go back to sleep."